When a doctor tells you that somebody dear to you is deteriorating, what exactly does that mean? Does that mean there’s only a year left or less? Is it days, weeks or months? Would knowing when even make a difference?

If there’s one thing I highly dislike about life, then I would have to admit that I hate its uncertainty. I’m not as organized as other people are and I don’t follow a strict routine but nonetheless, knowing when or what will happen makes me feel secure.

I know he’s going to die… but I don’t know when.

My stepfather has a blood clot in the brain, Parkinson’s disease, vascular dementia and just recently he got an infection that couldn’t be cured possibly due to the fact that there’s no point.

He’s deteriorating. It means he’s dying, isn’t it?

Seeing him there in the hospital bed and looking back on the past year that we’ve spent together, I’ve realized that the love I have for him is different than the love I’ve had for my own father and even the understanding we have is probably beyond comprehension from others’ point of view.

It’s not hard to love someone like him because he’s a good man. My mother loves him even more.

The situation we’re in at the moment is tough. I love them both so much that I cannot fathom leaving them and going back to my country of convenience. I don’t even know how to deal with everything. It seems so surreal.

I want to jot down every single thing that we’re going through—maybe in that way, it would finally sink in. On the other hand, I’d rather not because I don’t see the point.

Even if I tell the whole world about it, nobody can do anything. The world’s not going to stop.

I guess my mom and I are just going to make more sacrifices and hope for the best. I have faith. God is with us.

I know I sound confident as if I know what I’m talking about. But I don’t really. I keep on moving forward and I try to remain positive because those are the most practical ways to deal with this. I’m not worried about myself. I’m worried about my mom, her husband and my family—because they’re one of the reasons why I’m alive.

I’d be lost without them.

What else can I do to make it better?

I've been trying to write down the things that are bothering me for quite some time now but I never really got to it because somehow I always found an excuse not to. In result, my head's become even more messy since my emotions are running wild.

First off, I got to get this out of my chest, I am very very heartbroken with the UEFA Champions League match between Man Utd. and Barcelona. I support Man Utd. and the match last Wednesday in Rome was a disgrace to football history. It was as if Man Utd. forgot how to play real football! It was a big disappointment and I feel like I've been dumped by someone I like. It was a big let-down. I wouldn't mind them losing if they played properly! But NOOO! According to my friend who supports Liverpool, "Man Utd. sucked immense balls" and based from the last match, I actually agree. It's going to take a few more days before I get over this. All I have to do is keep on reminding myself that at least Man Utd. won the English Premier League Cup and there's always next year.

Another thing, Ronaldo should go f*ck his hair since, in my opinion, that's the thing he values the most. He may be talented but until he learns to play for his team, teams as coordinated as Barca will keep on winning.

I'm dropping it. Let go and let God.

Since I finished my exams in college, I was obligated to work full time in my job. I work in a fastfood restaurant. I got all excited at first because not only did I enjoy working, it also meant more money. However, it's only been approximately two weeks and I already feel like I'm overworked. I've been working there since October. I'm not complaining. I'm just very tired. It doesn't help that my main job entails me to be pleasant to customers all the time. There are times when I feel like I'd rather be in the kitchen and cook the food rather than be out there talking to bitches.

Why do I have to deal with them people? Some of them are so rude, they think the world owes them something. What ever happened to good manners? A simple "please" and "thank you" would suffice. I don't expect people to be friendly or pleasant but since I'm technically feeding them, they should try to be. Some of them are so unbelievably spoiled, they can't wait for more than 3 minutes for their food. If you want to eat cooked food, it takes time. 5-6 minutes max. If you can't wait longer than that, enjoy eating ketchup.

I just needed to let that out. Patience is a must.

I've been stressing out lately regarding my holiday plans and family issues.

My dad is getting worse with his Parkinsons disease and vascular dementia.

Every morning, at dawn, he wakes up several times and asks us where he is. He'd shout at night too, in his dreams. Sometimes, he'd pee in the bedroom. In the afternoons, after his hourly siesta/nap, he'd ask us where he is and walk around the house agitated because he can't recognize the house. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to convince him that we're in the same house he was in the night before and that the house is his. I usually just laugh it off and tell him, "You're confused again. We're at home." then I'd show him around the house for him to see our pictures and then I'd bring him outside for him to see the street. I'd also ask him to knock next door to his friend to confirm where he is. After a couple of minutes, he'd remember.

He fell down today in the bathroom. His legs are getting weaker. His memory is getting worse.

One day after work, he asked me when my enrollment is for the next school year and I answered it was on August. Then I smiled and said, "Don't worry, 3 more years to go and then you'll see me graduate."

He laughed hesitantly and replied, "I hope so."

I just said, "Well you deserve to see me graduate."

He can't help his sickness so I pray. I just don't want him suffering as well as my mother. My mother's working full time and I know how exhausted she is yet she still does it because she cares a lot about our other relatives.

That's what's bothering me.

I feel, in a way, pressured to work harder so she doesn't have to work anymore; that it's my turn to take care of our relatives and just let her rest.

I can say that I've saved up loads of money because I'm a cheap bastard but I feel somewhat guilty with the money I spend.

Just this month, I joined the gym because my mom thinks I'm fat and apparently, I have large hips.

I was tempted to say "I got it from my mama".

Anyway, I ended up paying for hers too because she wanted to get fit. So, that's two direct debits to my bank account every month.

And oh, my gym instructor likes to torture me.

Second, just this month, I was feeling anxious while walking around town to buy some groceries when suddenly, I was stopped by this man and he talked to me about charity. I ended up joining both for volunteering and for monthly donation. That's another direct debit every month.

I felt fulfilled though so I'm very happy about that.

Then I'm planning to go skydiving this year as well which costs around 300 euro. Some of my friends are going to sponsor me but I'm paying half of it. I always wanted to go skydiving because I desire the "thrill" and fortunately, in Dublin you can do it for a cause. I can choose whatever charity I want.

I was going to do it this June but I'm quite busy with work and holiday plans so I'm going to do it on September instead, most preferably, my birthday.

Then it's the school's enrollment in June for the kids and I'm helping with that as well. Education is important so that's not a problem.

Then I might be heading to Sweden and Greece this July because I booked a two week off from work. I'm just hesitant and stressed because I don't have much time to fix my visa for it. My original plan was to go camping then now it's Sweden with my mom and Greece with my best friends and there's a 60% chance that it would be refused due to even more complicated matters. The plan changed to Indonesia, Thailand, Fiji, Morocco, Spain and Italy in a span of 20 minutes. So I decided that I wanna go back to the Philippines and have my vacation there instead. The rest of my family's there, my childhood friends are there, my dog is there, the beaches there are beautiful and the nightlife is fabulous.

Anyway, I'll just let things run their own course.

It will all fall into place.

I don't mind the money, it's being spent wisely. Besides, I can't bring it to my grave anyway. I just feel like I need to do more and I don't know what.

Singing in gigs came to mind but I remembered I have stage fright so that's at the bottom of the list. I thought about acting since I love it but I have yet to seek opportunities.

Then I remembered how much I want a dslr camera since my slr hobby is getting expensive. Anyway, the idea is I can cover small events of the college and friends for a reasonable price. Not only is it profitable in money but I can also use it for my portfolio.

Don't know if it'll work. It's just a thought.

Ahhh. We'll see where it goes after I organize my brain a little.